head fog,
quiet voices
quiet goodnights
i want to hurt u but i cant, thats an assholes way
i fink to much of u
theres a bak up to my plan
i think
i need to leave
i need to see u
its gunna be to weird otherwise
but u got yer shit, n i got shit
fires flame up
i think im gunna puke
fuk a n e
lies grow and grow, u say u dont but I FUKKING KNOW!!!!!!
so dont
Tuesday 31 May 2011
karma
thats why im here
this never ending hurt
the heart ache
self absorbed bullshit
the hauntings
memories
i dont need associations
enough makes me think of you, feel your saddnes
the aches are the worst
my back is crumbling
carrying all this shit i cant let go
beating myself up daily
the days are ongoing
the crying annoys me
i need distractions, but they dont work
i need head space but nowhere to clear
i pass my father as though a stranger
anticipate the arrival of my mother
smash bottles
see the way timmy looks at me, i dont deserve it
long for you
regrets
i was close
i know u dont believe me
i wouldnt either
those dark nights
you didnt deserve those
thank you for the paranoia
i almost wish i hadnt met you
to not be with you is too much
as much as i can understand
your eyes
embedded in my mind
the way you'd look at me
i almost wish i hadnt met you
this is helll
i almost wish i had'nt met you
crying again
the meltdowns are becoming worse and more frequeent
i dread the big one
these small ones are hard enough to deal with
waiting
i dont even know what for or why
nothing
the big one is coming soon, i can feel it the way you can see a storm brewing
its terrifying
15 days
scared as i have never been before
this never ending hurt
the heart ache
self absorbed bullshit
the hauntings
memories
i dont need associations
enough makes me think of you, feel your saddnes
the aches are the worst
my back is crumbling
carrying all this shit i cant let go
beating myself up daily
the days are ongoing
the crying annoys me
i need distractions, but they dont work
i need head space but nowhere to clear
i pass my father as though a stranger
anticipate the arrival of my mother
smash bottles
see the way timmy looks at me, i dont deserve it
long for you
regrets
i was close
i know u dont believe me
i wouldnt either
those dark nights
you didnt deserve those
thank you for the paranoia
i almost wish i hadnt met you
to not be with you is too much
as much as i can understand
your eyes
embedded in my mind
the way you'd look at me
i almost wish i hadnt met you
this is helll
i almost wish i had'nt met you
crying again
the meltdowns are becoming worse and more frequeent
i dread the big one
these small ones are hard enough to deal with
waiting
i dont even know what for or why
nothing
the big one is coming soon, i can feel it the way you can see a storm brewing
its terrifying
15 days
scared as i have never been before
chewsday 31st
dreamt got laid
i knew who it was but cant place you
dont know so many people these days
but i know i KNEW you
maybe was you from that lost encounter at the train station in the 18's
we shared a holy moment
those are rare as hell
everything else melted
i dont get this fukking town
its haunted concrete
as much as i need to get laid, i know it will destroy
i knew who it was but cant place you
dont know so many people these days
but i know i KNEW you
maybe was you from that lost encounter at the train station in the 18's
we shared a holy moment
those are rare as hell
everything else melted
i dont get this fukking town
its haunted concrete
as much as i need to get laid, i know it will destroy
Monday 30 May 2011
born into this
this resentment
you wrote bak
my mind blanks for a response, i know it would be too much
i see it in them
i want to smash it
burn it and destroy it from existance
noone needs encounter this bull
the
the
flames reach higher and the blood spills
dont lie to me anymore, dont fukkin lie
i want to kill my parents
this resentment
you wrote bak
my mind blanks for a response, i know it would be too much
i see it in them
i want to smash it
burn it and destroy it from existance
noone needs encounter this bull
the
the
flames reach higher and the blood spills
dont lie to me anymore, dont fukkin lie
i want to kill my parents
30/05/2011
day of
...if only knew how to end that
....end
...deluded parents
dillusional past the point of return
a meltdown
razors
carparks
beebee guns fired at me
playing open strings
screaming
blood
razors
screaming
punching
nigh
vacuous silence eats
eat at me
lack
lack
lack
lack
untrust us
no trust
no bond
no nothing
nothing no
no
no
no
i nearly stabbed my mother
i wish her death
her and my father
curse curse curse curse curse
cant relate
relate
late
ate
the space grows between us with the dillusions
cut them off
sleep
wake
leave
aimlessly wonder
consuming memories
self hate annhialates
white ace
annhialates
i see your family and am filled with envy
i wanted to share this with her, between us
at some point
lies spread thick as shit over toasted white sheets
i wanna smash that fukking bottle in his face
in her face
these parents are a lie
lies are the foundation of our nature
lies lie to themselves
u wrote bak
u asked how i was
i dont know what to say
"how was swindon?"
- orgasmic
...if only knew how to end that
....end
...deluded parents
dillusional past the point of return
a meltdown
razors
carparks
beebee guns fired at me
playing open strings
screaming
blood
razors
screaming
punching
nigh
vacuous silence eats
eat at me
lack
lack
lack
lack
untrust us
no trust
no bond
no nothing
nothing no
no
no
no
i nearly stabbed my mother
i wish her death
her and my father
curse curse curse curse curse
cant relate
relate
late
ate
the space grows between us with the dillusions
cut them off
sleep
wake
leave
aimlessly wonder
consuming memories
self hate annhialates
white ace
annhialates
i see your family and am filled with envy
i wanted to share this with her, between us
at some point
lies spread thick as shit over toasted white sheets
i wanna smash that fukking bottle in his face
in her face
these parents are a lie
lies are the foundation of our nature
lies lie to themselves
u wrote bak
u asked how i was
i dont know what to say
"how was swindon?"
- orgasmic
words that never left me
"im not scared of dying
its life that terrifies me"
they always stayed with your conviction
its life that terrifies me"
they always stayed with your conviction
Thursday 26 May 2011
mind loop
"Feel it closing in,
Feel it closing in,
The fear of whom I call,
Every time I call
I feel it closing in,
I feel it closing in,
Day in, day out,
Day in, day out...
I feel it closing in,
As patterns seem to form.
I feel it cold and warm.
The shadows start to fall.
I feel it closing in,
I feel it closing in,
Day in, day out,
Day in, day out...
I'd have the world around,
To see just whatever happens,
Stood by the door alone,
And then it's fade away,
I see you fade away.
Don't ever fade away.
I need you here today.
Don't ever fade away.
Don't ever fade away..."
Feel it closing in,
The fear of whom I call,
Every time I call
I feel it closing in,
I feel it closing in,
Day in, day out,
Day in, day out...
I feel it closing in,
As patterns seem to form.
I feel it cold and warm.
The shadows start to fall.
I feel it closing in,
I feel it closing in,
Day in, day out,
Day in, day out...
I'd have the world around,
To see just whatever happens,
Stood by the door alone,
And then it's fade away,
I see you fade away.
Don't ever fade away.
I need you here today.
Don't ever fade away.
Don't ever fade away..."
sobriety=numbness= fukk!
im in the wrong place with this vulnerability
more fukkd dreams, waking shaking
waking crying
laying holding
waiting, counting down, such a long weeeek
longer tooo go
keep thinking of that bbq nite, waiting up 4 you til i passed out as you snuggled up with another beneath the floor i lay on
hello hyperventilation
now i have "two planes" in my ears n that lump returns
more fukkd dreams, waking shaking
waking crying
laying holding
waiting, counting down, such a long weeeek
longer tooo go
keep thinking of that bbq nite, waiting up 4 you til i passed out as you snuggled up with another beneath the floor i lay on
hello hyperventilation
now i have "two planes" in my ears n that lump returns
Wednesday 25 May 2011
the name of the song is not important, the words are
they resonate in my mind, heart and being
"I hear the drizzle of the rain
Like a memory it falls
Soft and warm continuing
Tapping on my roof and walls
And from the shelter of my mind
Through the window of my eyes
I gaze beyond the rain-drenched streets
To England where my heart lies
My mind's distracted and diffused
My thoughts are many miles away
They lie with you when you're alseep
And kiss you when you start your day
And a song I was writing is left undone
I don't know why I spend my time
Writing songs I can't believe
With words that tear and strain to rhyme
And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you
And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go I"
listen to it for me, its in your room in the stack of records by your laundry hamper, the record player behind your beautiful chair piled with clothes
please
x
"I hear the drizzle of the rain
Like a memory it falls
Soft and warm continuing
Tapping on my roof and walls
And from the shelter of my mind
Through the window of my eyes
I gaze beyond the rain-drenched streets
To England where my heart lies
My mind's distracted and diffused
My thoughts are many miles away
They lie with you when you're alseep
And kiss you when you start your day
And a song I was writing is left undone
I don't know why I spend my time
Writing songs I can't believe
With words that tear and strain to rhyme
And so you see I have come to doubt
All that I once held as true
I stand alone without beliefs
The only truth I know is you
And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There but for the grace of you go I"
listen to it for me, its in your room in the stack of records by your laundry hamper, the record player behind your beautiful chair piled with clothes
please
x
Tuesday 24 May 2011
24/05/2011
the church sent a surge thru me, i left once the door had been opened to see those standing figures
pacing
pacing
saw a girl sat by the college car park wall, there was an urge to join her, but continued with the roam
theres nothing to say to anyone apart from a few, with the silence.
silent respect and respected silence
a robin landed in front of beneath and gazed
so much beauty
such a small and simple life i envy
simplicity is the key
ourselves are far overcomplicated with unnecessities
we waste
our selves and resources
the plan is falling into place
slowly
as much as it frightens me
the time is nearing
3 weeks wait, perhaps
try to see the remaining ones, with the hatred and escapes, and the dreams, of a betterness i hope and dream they reach for them
a time of scratching the hed for the next step
stains are needed
but needed for what?
i miss her mother
she is incredible
time passes into nothing again
will brave the church to light some candles
4 this time instead of 3
a pause of mind
that corrudes into a peace
a peace
a piece of me
has gone
pacing
pacing
saw a girl sat by the college car park wall, there was an urge to join her, but continued with the roam
theres nothing to say to anyone apart from a few, with the silence.
silent respect and respected silence
a robin landed in front of beneath and gazed
so much beauty
such a small and simple life i envy
simplicity is the key
ourselves are far overcomplicated with unnecessities
we waste
our selves and resources
the plan is falling into place
slowly
as much as it frightens me
the time is nearing
3 weeks wait, perhaps
try to see the remaining ones, with the hatred and escapes, and the dreams, of a betterness i hope and dream they reach for them
a time of scratching the hed for the next step
stains are needed
but needed for what?
i miss her mother
she is incredible
time passes into nothing again
will brave the church to light some candles
4 this time instead of 3
a pause of mind
that corrudes into a peace
a peace
a piece of me
has gone
Monday 23 May 2011
and a father is a man
and a man is a father
"you are my only son"
are the most real words you ever spoke to me as we both wept
we see each other
"you are my only son"
are the most real words you ever spoke to me as we both wept
we see each other
chapter nothing: the epilogue
.....................................................................................
.....................................................................................
.....................................................................................
monday 23rd may
the urge to go to church today was strong as we left the park and my father was to meet his ex
he noticed and mentioned there was a funeral taking place
i only noticed the closed doors
and the infants running around in the playground of the school behind as "hometime" set free
it only sunk in now about the funeral
10 hours later
losing people you love is a terrible thing to say the least
sad
lonesome
devistating
i'll go back and light a candle for whoever had passed, one for there family
and one for you
he noticed and mentioned there was a funeral taking place
i only noticed the closed doors
and the infants running around in the playground of the school behind as "hometime" set free
it only sunk in now about the funeral
10 hours later
losing people you love is a terrible thing to say the least
sad
lonesome
devistating
i'll go back and light a candle for whoever had passed, one for there family
and one for you
Sunday 22 May 2011
cracks
butterfly clips and slams
cactuses bloom toward the sky
wine is staining my gut
the fairies and doves
the rats and the bugs
those unfinished letters
the grinding
the's
the's
comatosed technology
beaten car doors to a growl
jeans for an ashtray
mysterious break
dolphin calls
peppered salami
say it wider
ample
knotted
its time to feed them
a host
smoke after smoke after smoke
theft
a lost child embodied in a 50 year old
if she was only barren
the peace would be
uh
peaceful
a depressed dog and a frozen woman with wash baskets keep company
a jelly fish lays
the knots tighten
fuk it
theyre all laughing, they all know
they say other wise, but the truth is another deal
life!
life is a raw deal
she burns you and holds you in a gutter
pisss in the sink
piss on the stairs
piss on your soul
its invalid
lies and lies and lies
the depressed dog and the lone lost heart
i hold that superted doll so tight at night
if it were living id worry of preventing him from breathing
stale prawn crackers, incapacitants chant
i contemplate prostitues, but know it would sever my psyche
i grind teeth and steal
the jelly fish remains static
lifeless
still
still
there is nothing left
nothing
but her face and heart
being lone is fine, jus after knowing and feeling, it kills
the jellyfish moves no more
the lamps blare silently
smoking infinitly
till the hole grows as black as this hurt
fuck you all
and fukk your lies
tomorrow i will
butterfly clips and slams
cactuses bloom toward the sky
wine is staining my gut
the fairies and doves
the rats and the bugs
those unfinished letters
the grinding
the's
the's
comatosed technology
beaten car doors to a growl
jeans for an ashtray
mysterious break
dolphin calls
peppered salami
say it wider
ample
knotted
its time to feed them
a host
smoke after smoke after smoke
theft
a lost child embodied in a 50 year old
if she was only barren
the peace would be
uh
peaceful
a depressed dog and a frozen woman with wash baskets keep company
a jelly fish lays
the knots tighten
fuk it
theyre all laughing, they all know
they say other wise, but the truth is another deal
life!
life is a raw deal
she burns you and holds you in a gutter
pisss in the sink
piss on the stairs
piss on your soul
its invalid
lies and lies and lies
the depressed dog and the lone lost heart
i hold that superted doll so tight at night
if it were living id worry of preventing him from breathing
stale prawn crackers, incapacitants chant
i contemplate prostitues, but know it would sever my psyche
i grind teeth and steal
the jelly fish remains static
lifeless
still
still
there is nothing left
nothing
but her face and heart
being lone is fine, jus after knowing and feeling, it kills
the jellyfish moves no more
the lamps blare silently
smoking infinitly
till the hole grows as black as this hurt
fuck you all
and fukk your lies
tomorrow i will
21/22/05/2011
you visited my dream last night
we were friends again
you had that spark back in your eye
and that knowing smile
that zest and energy
it was as it was 12 years back, but not back then
now
we were inseperable once again
that summer we shared
the smell of paint, coffee,cigar tobacco
endless talkin, humble silence
washing machine, the wood stove
simon and garfunkel
your studio
you visited me
you were well
i was well
i miss you
that letter is far over due
the recollection of this visitation bummed me out
it felt so real, i thought it had happened in this world
i hope you are getting better
i love you
Saturday 21 May 2011
chest
blood
semen
fire
phatom limb
ache
void
longing
pubes in my wallet
fox ate swan chiks
heart ache
heart pains
hungover
hung up
green excrement
roses
lilies
nicotine stains
cracked teeth
your eyes
burnt in my mind
in that glowing euphoria
sinking
tears
lump in the throat
shrouded
lost in a fog
obscured
lost
phantom limb
extinguished
a bitter lack
void
vacuity
blank
pause
crushed faces
shaking hands
die every nite and re live during re birth
piss stains
hunger
swollen
the cats look on
the dogs roam goofy
the graffitti stares back
bulging
filters stuffed in pockets
void
void
smashed wine bottle in the supermarket check out
the smell weighs heavy
walking
wondering mind
circular
a loop of confused bullshitt
the wondering mind ties into a knot
vampire parents
ghost like infant
scratching at the core
gasping for breath to reach out for some wholesome
life
void
death lingers
text messeges
fire
burntt hair
itchy ass
aching neck, back face, mind, heart, chest cavity, mouth
bitter after taste
lone mate
there is no place to belong, beeeee
be
open fire broken brackets
a mind to mind to be
clouds drift, light saturates
shit fuck sunglasses
old friends
winos
void
angels drown in the engulfing beast
angels swim in the inverted ocean
glacial
a fire consumes
a vast
void
blood
semen
fire
phatom limb
ache
void
longing
pubes in my wallet
fox ate swan chiks
heart ache
heart pains
hungover
hung up
green excrement
roses
lilies
nicotine stains
cracked teeth
your eyes
burnt in my mind
in that glowing euphoria
sinking
tears
lump in the throat
shrouded
lost in a fog
obscured
lost
phantom limb
extinguished
a bitter lack
void
vacuity
blank
pause
crushed faces
shaking hands
die every nite and re live during re birth
piss stains
hunger
swollen
the cats look on
the dogs roam goofy
the graffitti stares back
bulging
filters stuffed in pockets
void
void
smashed wine bottle in the supermarket check out
the smell weighs heavy
walking
wondering mind
circular
a loop of confused bullshitt
the wondering mind ties into a knot
vampire parents
ghost like infant
scratching at the core
gasping for breath to reach out for some wholesome
life
void
death lingers
text messeges
fire
burntt hair
itchy ass
aching neck, back face, mind, heart, chest cavity, mouth
bitter after taste
lone mate
there is no place to belong, beeeee
be
open fire broken brackets
a mind to mind to be
clouds drift, light saturates
shit fuck sunglasses
old friends
winos
void
angels drown in the engulfing beast
angels swim in the inverted ocean
glacial
a fire consumes
a vast
void
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